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Apu Nahasapeemapetilon:
iamapu.wav - "I am Apu Nahasapeemapetilon"
asknice.wav - "Hey! HEY! I have asked you nicely not to mangle my merchandise. You leave me no choice, but to ask you nicely again."
1999.wav -
"For the next five minutes, I'm going to party like it's on sale for $19.99"
apu3.wav - Rev. Lovejoy: "...He was working in the hearts of your friends and neighbors when they came to your aid, be they Christian, Jew or miscellaneous."  Apu: "Hindu! There are 700 million of us."  Lovejoy: "Aw, that's super."
apusings.wav - Apu sings again.
- Homer: This hot dog tastes different.
Apu: Yes, I just cleaned out the machine, sir, so the snack you are enjoying has not been soaking in putrid grease.
Homer: Well, yeah, but without the grease, all you can taste is the hog anus.
apu_dance.wav - Luanne VanHouten: Anyone up for some clog dancing?
Apu: Why don't you try and stop me!
apu_heads.wav -
Apu:  Hey, hey! This is not a lending library. If you're not going to buy that thing, put it down, or I'll blow your heads off.
apu_aspirin.wav - Apu: The aspirin is $24.95.
Marge: $24.95?
Apu: I lowered the price, because an escaped mental patient tampered with the bottle.
apu_merriment.wav - Sanjay: I wish you'd come to my party, Apu. You could use some merriment.
Apu: Listen.. Serving the customer is merriment enough for me.

Moe Szyslak (aka "Moe the Bartender"):
threat.wav - "When I get a hold of you, I'm gonna use your head your head for a bucket, and paint my house with your brain!"
fold.wav - Lenny: "I don't think they're coming back." Moe: "Well that does it. That does it! I'm looking at his cards." (after looking at the cards) "Oh crap, I fold."
moedirt.wav - "Well, I'm better than dirt! Well, most kinds of dirt. Hum I mean...Not that fancy store-bought dirt. That stuff's loaded with nutrients. I can't compete with that stuff."
moelie.wav - (taking a lie detector test) "Good! 'Cause I've got a hot date tonight! (BUZZ) Aw date.  (BUZZ) Dinner with friends. (BUZZ) Dinner alone. (BUZZ) Watching TV alone. (BUZZ) Alright! I'm gonna sit at home and ogle the ladies in the Victoria's Secret catalog! (BUZZ) Sears catalog. (DING) Now would you unhook this already please! I don't deserve this shabby treatment! (BUZZ)"
moesing.wav - "Money gets you one more round. Drink it down, you stupid clown. Money gets you one more round and you're out on your ass." idiots.wav - Renee (Helen Hunt):  And he's so thoughtful. Last night he bought all the seats in the movie theatre just so we could have a romantic evening together.
Moe:  Yeah, well, I just get so tired of idiots shooting their mouths off, laughing and clapping-- makes you want to start poking eyes out and slashing guts and kicking throats...

moe_sunshine.wav - Moe: Ah, there's nobody for Moe. I'm just going to die lonely, and ugly and--dead.
Renee: Well, hello, merry Sunshine.  
moe_smell.wav - Moe: Ah, I don't know, Homer. Women can smell panic, and, uh, right now I gotta be reeking of it.
Homer: Relax! All I smell is garlic and fish.  

moe_finest.wav - Moe: Hey, hey, Sabou. I need another magnum of your best champagne here and bring us the finest food you got stuffed with the second finest.
Waiter: Excellent, Sir. Lobsters stuffed with tacos.

Dr. Nick Riviera:
hi.wav - "Hi everybody!"
kneebone.wav - "The kneebone's connected to the.. something.. the something's connected to the red thing.  The red things connected to my wrist watch.. Uh oh."
nick1.wav - "Hi everybody, I'm Doctor Nick Riviera."    (over loud speaker) "Dr. Riviera, Dr. Nick Riviera, please report to the coroner immediately."   "The coriner, I'm so sick of that guy."
nick2.wav - "When you were in that coma, did you feel your brain getting damaged?"
nick3.wav - "Now if something should go wrong, lets not get the court involved. Remember, one hand washes the other. Hey, that reminds me..."

Professor Frink:
candy.wav - "Where the hell is the candy?"
frinkiak.wav - "Uh, Sure, the Frinkiac 7 looks impressive. But I predict within that one hundred years computers will be twice as powerful, ten thousand times larger, and so expensive that only the five richest kings of Europe will own them."

The Spanish Bee:
mex.wav - "Aye, aye, aye, es Homer Simpsons..."
bee.wav - "Muchas gracias, amigos, por todos las memorias, y super gracias a Goya!"

The Comic book guy:
insults.wav - "Now I must hurry back to my comic book store, where I dispense the insults, rather than absorb them."
cbs_lonely.wav - "Whoooaaaa loneliness and cheeseburgers are a dangerous mix."

Chief Wiggum:
bookemlu.wav - "Book 'em Lou."
- "Cuff 'em boys. We're puttin' this dirtbag away." Snake: "Hah, I'll be back on the street in 24 hours." Wiggum: "We'll try to make it twelve."
baby.wav - "Yeah right, Pops. No jury in the world's gonna convict a baby! (pause) Mmm, maybe Texas."
beatthem.wav - Wiggum: "Hey, where is Sideshow Bob and that guy who, uh, eats people and takes their faces?" "I'm right here Cheif!" Wiggum: "Oh, and where's Sideshow Bob?" "Eeh, he ran off." Wiggum: "Oh, great. Well.. if anyone asks, I beat him to death, ok?" Lou: "Right."
beerexpl.wav - Lou: "That sounded like an explosion at the old Simpson house!" Wiggum: "Forget it! That's two blocks away!" Lou: "It looks like there's beer coming out of the chimney!" Wiggum: "I am preceeding on foot. Call in a code 8." Lou: "We need pretzels, reapeat, pretzels."
jackass.wav - "Welll, your story is VERY complelling, Mr. Jackass."
noshow.wav - "Ok folks. Shows over. Nothin' to see here, show's o- OOH MY GOD! A horrible plane crash! Hey! Everybody! Get a load of this flaming wreckage!! C'mon, crowd around! Croud around, don't be shy, croud around."
toys.wav - Bart: "Take 'em away boys'" Wiggum: "Hey I'm the chief around here. Take 'em away toys." Cops: "What'd you say chief?" Wiggum: "Do what the kid said."
jammin.wav - Cheif Wiggum and Lou sing Bob Marley's "Jamming"
wiggum_justmoe.wav - Wiggum: "Homer Simpson, you're under arrest for the murders of Moe Syzlak and Apu Nahasa....pasa.....well, just Moe."
wiggum_nuns.wav - Wiggum: Not this time you won't. This is your third strike. First you torched that orphanage then you blew up that bus full of nuns.
Snake: Hey, that was self defense.
Wiggum: Well, you'll be seeing lots of nuns where you're going, pal....Hell!
wiggum_pretty.wav - Chief Wiggum: Your finger prints are just like snowflakes. They're both very pretty.

wallet.wav - "Snake:  Uh, wallet inspector.  Cheif Wiggum: Oh, here you go.  I believe that's all in order. Snake:  Whoa!  I can't believe that worked!"
snake3.wav - Snake: "All Riiight! Time for a crime spree!"

Akira, the Japanese waiter:
Akiratheorder.wav- Akira: I am Akira, your waiter. May I take your order?
Marge:  What would you recommend for a family that's not sure they should be here?
Akira:  Ah, "Sushi Suprise" a little bit of everything. It is very.... non-threatening.
Marge: I'll have one of those.
Lisa:  Me too.
Bart:   Akira my good man, I'd like two sharks, an octopus, and an eel.
Akira: Very good.
Bart:   Do you have any giant squid?  The kind that drag men to their deaths?
Akira:   Not today. And sir?
Homer: Oh, it's so hard to choose.. it all looks so terrible. Just bring me one of these, and one of these, and one of those.
commercial.wav - Akira: Hello, I am Akira... Whaaaa! (breaks board with his head) That didn't hurt very much because I know the ancient art of Karate. (lying on two bricks while two men hammer the large rock on his chest into little pieces). Karate focuses the mind and gives one self-confidence. People from all walks of life.. doctors.. home-makers.. landscape architects.. choreographers. High Karate at low, low prices.

- "HEY! Kids! We're eatin' dinner tonight!"
cletus5.wav - "Uh, Pa, I cut myself on the screen door again."
hotdamn.wav - "Hot damn. No more sittin' in the dirt at the drive-in."
cletus7.wav - Cletus calls his 26 kids.
talktoyou.wav - "Hey! Slow down! I wants ta talk to ya."

anecdote.wav - "Hey!  I need closure on that anecdote!"
cran.wav - "Help mee!  Heeeeeeeellppp meeee!  Mmmm.. it's Cran-tastic!"
balloons.wav - Homer :  I've got to get up higher. Give me all your balloons. I hope this works.....these are for you if you let me use your cherry picker.
Worker:  Well, I've already got some balloons, but they're not this nice. Deal!
bear.wav - Bear:  I'm Sir LovesAlot, the bear who loves to love.
bkgrnd.wav - Gun Salesman:  Well, let's see here. According to your background check, you've been in a mental institution...
Homer:  Yeah.
Gun Salesman:  ...frequent problems with alcohol...
Homer:  Oh, yeah.
Gun Salesman: beat up President Bush...
car.wav - Homer:  Is this car $15,000?
Salesman:  It is now and because of your loss, folks, I'll throw in the undercoating for two hundred and ninety bucks.
Homer:  What a deal. I'd be a sucker not to get it."
earth.wav - Robot:  Greetings, Earth children.
Kid:  Where are you from?
Robot:  .....Earth, anyway, have you ever wondered....
fossil.wav - Radio announcer: KFSL - Fossil, 103. Classic hits from Abba to Zepplin comma Led!
function.wav - Movementarian:  Why don't you come chat with us about the leader at the welcome center.
Homer:  Will there be beer?
Movementarian:  Beer is not allowed.
Homer:  Homer no function beer well without.
gates.wav - Bill Gates skit.
happiest.wav - Ned:  If any of you ever need a favor, just look for the happiest man in Springfield!
'Happiest Man In Springfeild':  No no not me friends, he's talking about himself, but thanks for looking!
myers1.wav - Myers: I have figured out how to rejuvenate the show. It's so simple, you egghead writers would've never thought of it! What we need is... a new character! One that today's kids can relate to!
[writers look at each other, uncertain]
Oakley: Are you absolutely sure that's wise, sir? I mean, I don't want to sound pretentious here, but Itchy and Scratchy comprise a dramaturgical dyad.
Krusty: Hey, this ain't art -- it's business!
myers2.wav - Lady: We at the network want a dog with attitude. He's edgy, he's "in your face." You've heard the expression "let's get busy"? Well, this is a dog who gets "biz-zay!" Consistently and thoroughly.
Krusty: So he's proactive, huh?
Lady: Oh, God, yes. We're talking about a totally outrageous paradigm.
Meyer: Excuse me, but "proactive" and "paradigm"? Aren't these just buzzwords that dumb people use to sound important? Not that I'm accusing you of anything like that. [pause] I'm fired, aren't I?
Myers: Oh, yes.
myers3.wav - Meyer: The rest of you start writers thinking up a name for this funky dog; I dunno, something along the line of say... Poochie, only more proactive.
Krusty: Yeah!
(Meyer and Krusty leave room)
Oakley: So, Poochie okay with everybody?
All: Yeah.
duffman.wav - Duff Man: Yeeah.. that's swell. Duff wholeheartedly supports the designated driver program. NOW... Who wants to PARTY?

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