iamapu.wav - "I am Apu Nahasapeemapetilon"
asknice.wav - "Hey! HEY! I have asked you nicely not to mangle my merchandise. You leave me no choice, but to ask you nicely again."
1999.wav - "For the next five minutes, I'm going to party like it's on sale for $19.99"
apu3.wav - Rev. Lovejoy: "...He was working in the hearts of your friends and neighbors when they came to your aid, be they Christian, Jew or miscellaneous." Apu: "Hindu! There are 700 million of us." Lovejoy: "Aw, that's super."
apusings.wav - Apu sings again.
apu_grease.wav - Homer: This hot dog tastes different.
Apu: Yes, I just cleaned out the machine, sir, so the snack you are enjoying has not been soaking in putrid grease.
Homer: Well, yeah, but without the grease, all you can taste is the hog anus.
apu_dance.wav - Luanne VanHouten: Anyone up for some clog dancing?
Apu: Why don't you try and stop me!
apu_heads.wav - Apu: Hey, hey! This is not a lending library. If you're not going to buy that thing, put it down, or I'll blow your heads off.
apu_aspirin.wav - Apu: The aspirin is $24.95.
Apu: I lowered the price, because an escaped mental patient tampered with the bottle.
apu_merriment.wav - Sanjay: I wish you'd come to my party, Apu. You could use some merriment.
Apu: Listen.. Serving the customer is merriment enough for me.
Moe Szyslak (aka "Moe the Bartender"):
threat.wav - "When I get a hold of you, I'm gonna use your head your head for a bucket, and paint my house with your brain!"
fold.wav - Lenny: "I don't think they're coming back." Moe: "Well that does it. That does it! I'm looking at his cards." (after looking at the cards) "Oh crap, I fold."
moedirt.wav - "Well, I'm better than dirt! Well, most kinds of dirt. Hum I mean...Not that fancy store-bought dirt. That stuff's loaded with nutrients. I can't compete with that stuff."
moelie.wav - (taking a lie detector test) "Good! 'Cause I've got a hot date tonight! (BUZZ) Aw date. (BUZZ) Dinner with friends. (BUZZ) Dinner alone. (BUZZ) Watching TV alone. (BUZZ) Alright! I'm gonna sit at home and ogle the ladies in the Victoria's Secret catalog! (BUZZ) Sears catalog. (DING) Now would you unhook this already please! I don't deserve this shabby treatment! (BUZZ)"
moesing.wav - "Money gets you one more round. Drink it down, you stupid clown. Money gets you one more round and you're out on your ass." idiots.wav - Renee (Helen Hunt): And he's so thoughtful. Last night he bought all the seats in the movie theatre just so we could have a romantic evening together.
Moe: Yeah, well, I just get so tired of idiots shooting their mouths off, laughing and clapping-- makes you want to start poking eyes out and slashing guts and kicking throats...
moe_sunshine.wav - Moe: Ah, there's nobody for Moe. I'm just going to die lonely, and ugly and--dead.
Renee: Well, hello, merry Sunshine.
moe_smell.wav - Moe: Ah, I don't know, Homer. Women can smell panic, and, uh, right now I gotta be reeking of it.
Homer: Relax! All I smell is garlic and fish.
moe_finest.wav - Moe: Hey, hey, Sabou. I need another magnum of your best champagne here and bring us the finest food you got stuffed with the second finest.
Waiter: Excellent, Sir. Lobsters stuffed with tacos.
anecdote.wav - "Hey! I need closure on that anecdote!"
cran.wav - "Help mee! Heeeeeeeellppp meeee! Mmmm.. it's Cran-tastic!"
balloons.wav - Homer : I've got to get up higher. Give me all your balloons. I hope this works.....these are for you if you let me use your cherry picker.
Worker: Well, I've already got some balloons, but they're not this nice. Deal!
bear.wav - Bear: I'm Sir LovesAlot, the bear who loves to love.
bkgrnd.wav - Gun Salesman: Well, let's see here. According to your background check, you've been in a mental institution...
Gun Salesman: ...frequent problems with alcohol...
Homer: Oh, yeah.
Gun Salesman: ...you beat up President Bush...
car.wav - Homer: Is this car $15,000?
Salesman: It is now and because of your loss, folks, I'll throw in the undercoating for two hundred...no...four hundred and ninety bucks.
Homer: What a deal. I'd be a sucker not to get it."
earth.wav - Robot: Greetings, Earth children.
Kid: Where are you from?
Robot: .....Earth, anyway, have you ever wondered....
fossil.wav - Radio announcer: KFSL - Fossil, 103. Classic hits from Abba to Zepplin comma Led!
function.wav - Movementarian: Why don't you come chat with us about the leader at the welcome center.
Homer: Will there be beer?
Movementarian: Beer is not allowed.
Homer: Homer no function beer well without.
gates.wav - Bill Gates skit.
happiest.wav - Ned: If any of you ever need a favor, just look for the happiest man in Springfield!
'Happiest Man In Springfeild': No no not me friends, he's talking about himself, but thanks for looking!
myers1.wav - Myers: I have figured out how to rejuvenate the show. It's so simple, you egghead writers would've never thought of it! What we need is... a new character! One that today's kids can relate to!
[writers look at each other, uncertain]
Oakley: Are you absolutely sure that's wise, sir? I mean, I don't want to sound pretentious here, but Itchy and Scratchy comprise a dramaturgical dyad.
Krusty: Hey, this ain't art -- it's business!
myers2.wav - Lady: We at the network want a dog with attitude. He's edgy, he's "in your face." You've heard the expression "let's get busy"? Well, this is a dog who gets "biz-zay!" Consistently and thoroughly.
Krusty: So he's proactive, huh?
Lady: Oh, God, yes. We're talking about a totally outrageous paradigm.
Meyer: Excuse me, but "proactive" and "paradigm"? Aren't these just buzzwords that dumb people use to sound important? Not that I'm accusing you of anything like that. [pause] I'm fired, aren't I?
Myers: Oh, yes.
myers3.wav - Meyer: The rest of you start writers thinking up a name for this funky dog; I dunno, something along the line of say... Poochie, only more proactive.
(Meyer and Krusty leave room)
Oakley: So, Poochie okay with everybody?
duffman.wav - Duff Man: Yeeah.. that's swell. Duff wholeheartedly supports the designated driver program. NOW... Who wants to PARTY?